Just Breathe.............

Thats what I had to keep telling myself yesterday!
But first let me tell you about my trip :)

I'm back from Texas Ya'll! :)  I'm glad to be back home, but missing my family back there, my cousins and my aunt and uncle, like crazy!  It was nice to be around family. Here in California, the only family I have, besides the friends I consider family, are my parents, and my sister, and my nieces and my nephew's.  For the most part I'm ok with it because really it's all I've ever known.... well, since I was 10, that's the way it's always been....... So back in Texas it's my cousins ( two of which i have never met until this trip)  and my aunts and uncles.... and then its all of my Aunts family there.... which is not technically MY family... but its family none the less. So I had a great time...... except for the hips giving me trouble..... the first night I was there.... my cousin had to get up in the morning to go to a class that she couldn't miss.... and I slept in her bed with her.... usually I guess i don't notice it as much because i'm free to toss and turn every couple of hours so that I don't spend to long on one hip, but I was sleeping with my cousin in her bed, and she had to get up early.... I didn't want to toss and turn the whole night and keep her up..... so I stayed on my left side the whole time....... and BOY did I pay for it in the morning when I woke up and for the rest of the trip........ so Note to Self :  Next time you have to sleep on one hip for an extended amount of time.... Pain killers BEFORE you go to bed to numb the pain when you wake up!  My cousin took me to my first Rodeo.......... it was great, I loved it....... every part besides the roping!!  I turned my head and did not watch the poor little guys getting roped and yanked backwards as they are trying to run away... everybody tells me that it doesn't hurt them..... Well I don't care..... it LOOKs like it hurts them, and it makes me want to cry!   Toby Keith was playing that night after the rodeo was over.... we stayed for about an hour of his concert and then took off to avoid the crowds..... At first I was upset that a couple came an sat right in front of us with their big cowboy hats on because I couldn't see anything....... until I realized that it was a great photo opportunity for me ;)

Ok ..... now back to reality....

So I get home from Texas on Sunday and was supposed to go to work on Monday.... didn't happen... I decided to bring a sinus/head cold home with me from the airport....... and nothing is worse than staring at a computer for 10 hours of the day when you have a sinus headache.... I couldn't do it.... So I called in sick... I was going to call my insurance and start dealing with all that crap again....but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.... I was not feeling good, I was tired, and I just wasn't in the mood...... I pretty much slept all day.... SO Tuesday morning.... the fun begins!!  I get to work at 6:30am, but I had to wait until 8am to start making any phone calls..... I was NOT in the mood to really deal with it, I still wasn't feeling good but I knew I had to..... I spent a whole flippin hour on the phone (luckily my boss was an hour late, and everybody else was in a meeting all morning) For that whole hour I was passed on from person to person, department to department with NO BODY knowing anything that could help me. Before I left for Texas I was talking to my Medical group and they had said that they were sending an email to the UM Department of my Insurance to get them to issue me a Denial number so that I can appeal it...... well they sent them an email on Feb 11th... and then again on the 19th... and then again on the 22nd, which was the day I was calling with no answer from them..... So I called the UM Department myself trying to figure out what was going on, and they tell me that they have no record of any emails or any request for authorization or denial or anything..... .and then decide to pass me on to the Appeals department.... I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEM!! They already made me wait a whole freakin 30 days without telling me that i needed a denial number to begin with!!! WHAT part of that are they not understanding??!   So i hang up and call my Medical group back and get the name of the person they are supposidly emailing over at the UM Department ( Angie) ...... so I call back the UM Department and ask for Angie and this girl doesn't know who I'm talking about...... " ummm... there is no angie here... "..... UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just breathe Krystal.... just breathe!!   So anyway, this lady was nice enough to ask me if I just wanted her to send in a request for me to see an Out of Network doctor.......... WHAT?  really??  Thats all I had to do?? I'm SOOO flipping confused!   She said it will take 3-5 business days to get an answer and if they deny me, then i can use that to appeal.......  This is all so ridiculous, really...... I had a freakin break down yesterday.... I hung up the phone and cried...... I'm so frustrated, and not feeling good, and I was at work trying to deal with this all..... it was NOT a good day! 

So thats where I'm at..... HOPING to hear something by Friday or maybe Monday of next week.  I'm stressing out wondering what I'm going to do if they don't approve me...... there is NO way that I can pay for it without insurance.... there is no way I can even pay for it if they make me pay Out-of Network fees...... on top of all the stuff I have to buy for recovery, my walker, my cane, my crutches, my shower seat, my toilet riser thingy.... and much more.... this is all stupid, just stupid and I hate dealing with it....But at the same time I hate dealing with the pain that I am in......... which makes having the surgery and dealing with all this crap worth it............. in the long run.... its just the short run that's killing me!!  I know i'll get there..... i'm just having a hard time holding on right now and keeping it together. ........... Which brings me to why im looking forward to this weekend......... a new friend of mine........ a fellow Hippie....... lives in Temecula... and she makes beautiful earrings and hair pieces and sells them on ETSY ...... So her and I are getting together this weekend and doing a little photoshoot with some models to showcase her product :)   I will post pictures later of course. :)

So that' it.... thats all I have for ya....... thanks for listening!!

Mixed Emotions

I'm not usually at a loss for words when I sit down to type..... my fingers just usually start typing and everything spills out of my head onto the page.... sometimes in random order, so i apologize for any future confusion that might occur...... but for some reason when I sat down to write this blog, I found myself just sitting here staring at the computer for a few minutes...... I think it's just because I have such a mix of emotions floating around in my head/body/heart right now that i'm not sure how to express it all. Ever since I was officially diagnosed and made aware of the surgery (PAO)  that I would need to have in order to correct my dysplastic hips, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions..... even more so than I usually am.  I was able to find a few "Hip Sisters"  who have been through what I am going through right now, they turned me towards this amazing yahoo group called Hipwomen, I found it comforting to read everybody's posts, their updates on recovery status, questions from the "newbies", and more importantly the VENTING, it made me realize that is OK to be angry, It's ok to self wallow every now and then, it's ok to feel lost and alone.... BUT it also made me realize that although this is going to be a LONG process of healing and recovery, that I'm NOT alone, no matter how much I might feel that I am at times. I loved all of the support and positive engery that is found on the yahoo group, but I wanted a little more interaction with my "hip sisters" ...... so I created Hip Chicks..... its a facebook of sorts, just for us Hip Chicks ;)   I have found AMAZING friends, and an even more amazing support team that I know I am going to need to get me though this.  So to all my hip chicks..... I love you guys, and I am SO thankful for your support!!!  xoxoxo

I've been doing alot of reading of blogs from people who have gone through or are going through what I am right now,  I found a great one yesterday from somebody that has had a PAO through the surgeon I will be going to, Dr. Santore.  I have heard so many good things about him already and this blog just helped reinforce what good hands I will be in.  I also found a new hip sister on Hip Chicks last night that actually lives by me.... yes.... RIGHT BY ME!  Yay!!!  She's actually having surgery by Dr. Santore on Monday, the 15th,  so Marianna if you're reading this, you are in my thoughts, and I know you're going to be fine, You'll be on the "other side" soon! :)

I guess the reason why I am such a mix of emotions right now is because of where I am in this whole process... i'm in the pre-waiting stage...... no, not the waiting for surgery stage.... but they waiting to see if I can even have surgery..... My stupid insurance denied my authorization to see Dr. Santore because he is not on my health plan...... I sent in an appeal with a letter of medical necessity stating that there is no surgeon in my health plan that is qualified to do such a procedure because of how specialized it is.  They have until this Friday, the 12th, to give me an answer on my appeal.  So this whole time while i've been in the pre-waiting stage, i've been trying to mentally prepare myself for what i am going to have to go through, I've been trying to figure out how to re-arrange my life in order for this to happen, since it's such a major surgery, it will have a major impact on my way of life for awhile...... I've been trying to lose the weight I need to lose, i've been trying to get stronger physically because I know the stronger going in, means the stronger coming out...... But it just hit me....... WHAT IF....... what if my insurance doesn't even approve me?  What then? I don't have the money to pay for it myself, I don't even have the money to pay to see somebody out of network....... and then there is... ok, what if my insurance approves me..... but Dr. Santore doesn't?  I mean every blog i've been reading who has been able to have this surgery has had Mild to Moderate Dysplasia...... I only have Mild Dysplasia..... what if he thinks its "too mild"  to do the surgery?  Trust me... it doesnt FEEL mild.... the pain is there and it continues to get worse...... I'm just afraid of getting my hopes up of being able to have the surgery and a chance at a somewhat pain free life..... only to be told that I'm not a candiate for the surgery.   I think I'll feel better once I'm able to see Dr. Santore and actually be told that I can have the surgery..... until then, my thoughts will continue to entertain the "what if's"   Ugh!!!!

Workin on my Fitness

I am gonna try and make this short because my hips are screaming at me right now, especially the left.... but when i start typing sometimes I just cant stop.... so hang in there....
I still don't have an answer from my insurance company besides the usual " We have 30 days to respond, your appeal doesn't close until the 12th of this month" ...... and you can bet your bottom that I'm going to be calling first thing on the 12th..... I'm just so sick of waiting!!  I say that now, but I know the moment I have a date set, time is going to fly by and i'm gonna be stressing about getting everything done beforehand.... but until then.... i'll continue to complain that it's taking FOREVER and I can't wait to just be able to talk to the surgeon.

So anyway, last week I ordered a weight workout called KettleWorx, it was recommened to me by a friend of mine on Facebook. Instead of barbells its a program using a Kettlebell. I am extremely excited about it!!  I know that the stronger I am before going into surgery, the easier it will be during recovery..... at least thats what i've been told..... so i'm excited to start workin on  gettin me some muscles! haha!  :)    I received confirmation that my workout was shipped last week, but it won't be here until the 10th...... Really?  the 10th?  I have to wait 4 more days??   Didn't anybody tell them how impatient I am???  And it's not even fair that they didn't give me an option to pick for shipping..... otherwise I would have paid more to have it shipped here faster.... sooooooo being that I didn't want to wait until Wednesday,  I went out to Target today and bought a Kettlebell there... it came with a DVD workout... it's not the best workout.... but it will do until Wednesday  :)   I'm so excited about it that I actually took pictures of it to show off my new kettlebell....... ok, well actually, I have just been feeling like i've been neglecting my camera and my new lens, so I spent some quality time with my camera today :)    i'll post the pictures below, so that you can ohhhh and awww over my new kettlebell :)

Thats all I have for you folks.... I helped my sister out  today and  helped watch the little ones while she ran out to get a few things.... Domanic really wanted to be held.... and no.. not held while I was sitting down.... he wanted me to stand up, walk around, and hold him until he fell asleep.... man, did that upset my hips.... I didn't realize how bad my hips were getting until tonight.... especially my left... im finding alot of the little things like hold my nephew that never used to bother my hips, or  at least not bother them as much, are really effecting me..... So I think it's off to bed for me.... I have a date with some ibuprofen and a heating pad. 
Night!!  <3

My ticket to strong muscles!!
P.S. Don't laugh...... I know it's only 10lbs.... but i'm a weakling right now... I'll get better  ;)

Patience is NOT one of my virtues

So I've always known that patience is not one of my strong points... I want what I want, when I want it...... now I know that is not realistic, and something I need to get over/work on..... maybe if I learned to relax and let go of a few things that I have no control over I wouldn't have so many stomach problems with ulcers and anxiety and whatnot..... but eh... I'll work on it ;) SOOO in the meantime... while I'm waiting for my appeal to go through with my insurance company, I've been calling every day to check on it, and they tell me every day that it WILL take the full 30 days... which would be Feb 12th..... maybe i'll give them a little bit of a rest and not call again until next week ;)

So since I have no new's for you guys on that front..... I just want to talk about Hip Chicks for a quick minute... I touched briefly on it in my last post I believe... but I am really happy and proud of the way its going. I started Hip Chicks about a week and a half ago and we already have over 100 members. I created Hip Chicks because I've realized how helpful and mind easing it can be to talk to somebody going through the same thing as you are...... I've talked to a few people about it outside of my "Chicks"...... and as much as they try to sympathize and be supportive, and as much as I appreciate it.... It's just not the same as being able to talk to, and vent to somebody who actually FEELs your pain.... I've noticed that Hip Dysplasia really has an effect on my body of course, and on me mentally.... I have a pretty high pain tolerance... hense all my tattoos ;) ..... BUT Chronic pain... pain you have to deal with every day of your life is another story... Just because I have good days, and just because i'm smiling... and Just because you can't SEE anything "wrong" with me...... doesn't mean that I am not in pain... it just means that I've been dealing with it for so long that you have to learn to build up somewhat of a tolerance for it.... but sometimes you just can't deal with it and you have to let go and cry or get angry, or feel sorry for yourself.... but then you pick yourself back up, and carry on with your life as best as you can..... thats what being a "Hip Chick" means to me..... I created Hip Chicks as a place for everybody who goes through what I go through or more on a daily basis can get together and talk... to vent, to get advise, to feel "at home" ...... honestly I didn't expect such a big outcome, but we have over 100 members now and it keeps growing..... reading the posts and watching everybody interact, and seeing the amount of support everybody is able to receive makes my heart so happy..... happier than I could have imagined.... One of my chicks wrote... " I have felt a bit lost in a cloud till this morning when I found this group and instantly felt solidarity. It really helps" ..... and another said " HI hippies, I just found this awesome site where I know I can finally feel at home." ....... It's when I read things like that is when I feel like crying..... not sad tears, but happy tears.... You have no idea how important it is to be able to express your fears, and your anger, and your frustrations to people who understand.... it makes you feel not so alone. I am so happy that Hip Chicks is a place for people to be able to do that and to get the support they need and to make a few new friendships :) To all my Hip Chicks coming up on their surgeries, keep smiling... stay strong.... you'll be on the "other side" soon..... and to all my chicks recovering... keep up the GREAT work!! I am so proud of you all and thanks for being my inspiration. I love you guys!! xoxo

It Isn't easy being a Hip Chick....

BUT having my other Hip Chicks support makes it easier!! :)
I don't even know where to begin . . . So much has happened to me medically in the last 3-4 years. So I guess I'll just start from the beginning..... but I must warn you.... I type as how I would talk...... and when I talk, I tend to ramble.... soooo..... I'll try and stay in order ;)

So for as long as I can remember I have had issues with my hips/legs ...... but only off and on, and only when I walked around for hours at a time.... I remember going to Florida with my family for my nieces cheer competition years ago..... but the sad thing is..... that I don't remember much of the competition and much or our stay there besides the day that we went to an amusement park there and by the end of the day I was limping and crying in pain ...... Fast forward a year and I'm having problems with my right knee ..... off to physical therapy I go.... Lots of physical therapy and shock therapy to my knee ( something in my knee wasn't working ) and I'm all better.... for awhile that is........ The one thing I remember from therapy was my therapist asking me if I had been put in braces when I was little...... huh?? wait....what? WHY would I have been? Should I have been?? Apparently he thought my legs were a little crooked ....... I had no idea what Dysplasia was at the time....... so in one ear and out the other that tid bit of information went.......... Fast forward another year and there I am joining a Boxing Club ..... oh yes... boxing ...... It's an AMAZING stress relief.... and apparently I stress a lot according to the stomach ulcer I had when I was 12. My friend Roena and I were there EVERY day after work... taking about two classes a day.... we were pretty hard core about it ..... Monday - Friday...... after awhile we started doing some running ...... I have always LOVED running..... but I was never very good at it... never very fast and my legs have always been so weak.... but still.... I loved it... and I was determined to keep working at it....... and then one day...... as we were upstairs stretching and getting ready to go on our run...... my friend looked down and informed me that my ankles were hanging over my shoes...... my what was what??? Yeah... my ankles and all the way up to my calves were so swollen that it was hanging over my shoes....... What the heck was going on?? It didn't hurt, I hadn't fallen and hurt anything, I couldn't understand why I was swollen........ but I decided that it was probably just best to skip the run and the workout and go home and put my feet up for the night....

my legs were still swollen a week later..... so I went to the doctors.... at the time I had Kaiser...... and the "diagnosis" that I got was that I sprained my ankle...... " But they don't hurt" .... " Well it's just a sprain... the swelling will go down soon " ...... "WHAT?? are you kidding me?? I sprained BOTH of my ankles and I didn't know it? Really? I either fell or twisted BOTH of my ankles without knowing and without it hurting?" ........ yeah ok .... that was the FIRST of many useless "diagnoses" that I have gotten within these last few years........ Nobody could tell me what the swelling was from ...... they checked my heart, they checked my veins, they ran every test imaginable on my blood and nothing..... so i figured I would just deal with it.... it didn't hurt so I was ok....... the swelling went on for a year.... they would stay swollen for months at a time with maybe a week in between of being "normal" ........ and then one day... poof........ the swelling was gone...... never to return again...... SWEET! BUT as soon as the swelling disappeared........ then came the pain...... At this time I had switched my medical coverage to Sharp...... so back to the doctor I go....... xray after xray .... blood test after blood test.... nothing... so off to an Orthopedic Surgeon I go........ "nothing is wrong with you" .... so back to Boxing I go....... more pain.... so off to the Rheumatologist I go........ more xrays, a bone scan, more tests... blah blah blah....... they can't find anything "wrong" ........BUT my blood work did come back as Suggestive of Crohns Disease....... so off to the Gastroenterologist I go..... a Colonoscopy, Endoscopy, and Capsule endoscopy later....... "nothing" so they throw me in the "IBS" pool....... so back to the Rheumatologist I go...... still "nothing" .... so i get thrown in the "Fibromyalgia" pool ......... NOT buying it..... but completely frustrated with all the doctors and tests and CRAP that I decided to stop trying...... I have a relatively high pain tolerance so I can just deal with it right? Just learn to live with it....... WRONG! just dealing with it made me depressed..... being in pain every single day of your life gets old...... and frustrating..... and when NOBODY really understands and NONE of the doctors can find out why you are in pain, it starts getting to your head........ you start thinking that maybe it's all in your head...... maybe you're just being a baby.... Months and months go by with me sinking further and further into my depression ........ so much to the point that I am currently on Depression/Anxiety medication....... which helps... but the pain is still there........ The pain finally got to be to much for me, that back to the doctors I went about three months ago....... and I FINALLY found somebody who can tell me whats "wrong" with me.......... I have mild bilateral acetabular hip dysplasia ...... basically my hip sockets are shallow...... the acetabulum doesn't cover the femoral head sufficiently... which makes the hip unstable..... without surgical intervention, over the years, as the femoral head and acetabulum move without correct alignment, the cartilage in the joint wears down prematurely and unevenly. The result is differing degrees of osteoarthritis, depending on the severity of the misalignment. The osteoarthritis can occur on the joint head or in the socket itself, and eventually the need for a Total Hip Replacement........ There is a relatively new procedure called a PAO.......What is a PAO? Periacetabular Osteotomy. The mother of all hip surgeries. A procedure that cuts the hip socket out of the pelvis to allow the the socket to be repositioned and then screwed back into place. This allows the ball & socket to move fluidly, preventing cartilage damage and preserving the joint in patients with faulty hips. The PAO preserves & enhances the patient's own hip, not replacing it with artificial parts like a hip replacement. Why not a hip replacement? Although the recovery is said to be easier with a hip replacement, they are not ideal for younger people as they need to be revised frequently, leading to a possible 7+ additional surgeries for someone my age. Also, active people generally can not resume their higher level of activity............... Fortunately for me, one of the well known PAO Surgeons is in San Diego....... unfortunately he is not on my medical plan...... SOOOOO I was of course denied authorization to see him....... I am currently going through an appeals process with them and I should know the results within 30 days..... SO in the meantime...... here I am...... just pluggin along...... I have created a Network/Support group called Hip Chicks........ and that is keeping me busy.... I have met a lot of new friends and have gotten some great support..... while also being able to help other people connect and support each other, and its a great feeling!!!

So there you have it....... that's my story..... and im stickin to it..... haha, just kidding........ but really.... there you have it........ I will keep updating here as more things happen..... as soon as I get the results from my appeal, you guys will know :) Send your good thoughts and well wishes my way because I need them .... Talk to you guys soon ;)