Mixed Emotions

I'm not usually at a loss for words when I sit down to type..... my fingers just usually start typing and everything spills out of my head onto the page.... sometimes in random order, so i apologize for any future confusion that might occur...... but for some reason when I sat down to write this blog, I found myself just sitting here staring at the computer for a few minutes...... I think it's just because I have such a mix of emotions floating around in my head/body/heart right now that i'm not sure how to express it all. Ever since I was officially diagnosed and made aware of the surgery (PAO)  that I would need to have in order to correct my dysplastic hips, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions..... even more so than I usually am.  I was able to find a few "Hip Sisters"  who have been through what I am going through right now, they turned me towards this amazing yahoo group called Hipwomen, I found it comforting to read everybody's posts, their updates on recovery status, questions from the "newbies", and more importantly the VENTING, it made me realize that is OK to be angry, It's ok to self wallow every now and then, it's ok to feel lost and alone.... BUT it also made me realize that although this is going to be a LONG process of healing and recovery, that I'm NOT alone, no matter how much I might feel that I am at times. I loved all of the support and positive engery that is found on the yahoo group, but I wanted a little more interaction with my "hip sisters" ...... so I created Hip Chicks..... its a facebook of sorts, just for us Hip Chicks ;)   I have found AMAZING friends, and an even more amazing support team that I know I am going to need to get me though this.  So to all my hip chicks..... I love you guys, and I am SO thankful for your support!!!  xoxoxo

I've been doing alot of reading of blogs from people who have gone through or are going through what I am right now,  I found a great one yesterday from somebody that has had a PAO through the surgeon I will be going to, Dr. Santore.  I have heard so many good things about him already and this blog just helped reinforce what good hands I will be in.  I also found a new hip sister on Hip Chicks last night that actually lives by me.... yes.... RIGHT BY ME!  Yay!!!  She's actually having surgery by Dr. Santore on Monday, the 15th,  so Marianna if you're reading this, you are in my thoughts, and I know you're going to be fine, You'll be on the "other side" soon! :)

I guess the reason why I am such a mix of emotions right now is because of where I am in this whole process... i'm in the pre-waiting stage...... no, not the waiting for surgery stage.... but they waiting to see if I can even have surgery..... My stupid insurance denied my authorization to see Dr. Santore because he is not on my health plan...... I sent in an appeal with a letter of medical necessity stating that there is no surgeon in my health plan that is qualified to do such a procedure because of how specialized it is.  They have until this Friday, the 12th, to give me an answer on my appeal.  So this whole time while i've been in the pre-waiting stage, i've been trying to mentally prepare myself for what i am going to have to go through, I've been trying to figure out how to re-arrange my life in order for this to happen, since it's such a major surgery, it will have a major impact on my way of life for awhile...... I've been trying to lose the weight I need to lose, i've been trying to get stronger physically because I know the stronger going in, means the stronger coming out...... But it just hit me....... WHAT IF....... what if my insurance doesn't even approve me?  What then? I don't have the money to pay for it myself, I don't even have the money to pay to see somebody out of network....... and then there is... ok, what if my insurance approves me..... but Dr. Santore doesn't?  I mean every blog i've been reading who has been able to have this surgery has had Mild to Moderate Dysplasia...... I only have Mild Dysplasia..... what if he thinks its "too mild"  to do the surgery?  Trust me... it doesnt FEEL mild.... the pain is there and it continues to get worse...... I'm just afraid of getting my hopes up of being able to have the surgery and a chance at a somewhat pain free life..... only to be told that I'm not a candiate for the surgery.   I think I'll feel better once I'm able to see Dr. Santore and actually be told that I can have the surgery..... until then, my thoughts will continue to entertain the "what if's"   Ugh!!!!

Patience is NOT one of my virtues

So I've always known that patience is not one of my strong points... I want what I want, when I want it...... now I know that is not realistic, and something I need to get over/work on..... maybe if I learned to relax and let go of a few things that I have no control over I wouldn't have so many stomach problems with ulcers and anxiety and whatnot..... but eh... I'll work on it ;) SOOO in the meantime... while I'm waiting for my appeal to go through with my insurance company, I've been calling every day to check on it, and they tell me every day that it WILL take the full 30 days... which would be Feb 12th..... maybe i'll give them a little bit of a rest and not call again until next week ;)

So since I have no new's for you guys on that front..... I just want to talk about Hip Chicks for a quick minute... I touched briefly on it in my last post I believe... but I am really happy and proud of the way its going. I started Hip Chicks about a week and a half ago and we already have over 100 members. I created Hip Chicks because I've realized how helpful and mind easing it can be to talk to somebody going through the same thing as you are...... I've talked to a few people about it outside of my "Chicks"...... and as much as they try to sympathize and be supportive, and as much as I appreciate it.... It's just not the same as being able to talk to, and vent to somebody who actually FEELs your pain.... I've noticed that Hip Dysplasia really has an effect on my body of course, and on me mentally.... I have a pretty high pain tolerance... hense all my tattoos ;) ..... BUT Chronic pain... pain you have to deal with every day of your life is another story... Just because I have good days, and just because i'm smiling... and Just because you can't SEE anything "wrong" with me...... doesn't mean that I am not in pain... it just means that I've been dealing with it for so long that you have to learn to build up somewhat of a tolerance for it.... but sometimes you just can't deal with it and you have to let go and cry or get angry, or feel sorry for yourself.... but then you pick yourself back up, and carry on with your life as best as you can..... thats what being a "Hip Chick" means to me..... I created Hip Chicks as a place for everybody who goes through what I go through or more on a daily basis can get together and talk... to vent, to get advise, to feel "at home" ...... honestly I didn't expect such a big outcome, but we have over 100 members now and it keeps growing..... reading the posts and watching everybody interact, and seeing the amount of support everybody is able to receive makes my heart so happy..... happier than I could have imagined.... One of my chicks wrote... " I have felt a bit lost in a cloud till this morning when I found this group and instantly felt solidarity. It really helps" ..... and another said " HI hippies, I just found this awesome site where I know I can finally feel at home." ....... It's when I read things like that is when I feel like crying..... not sad tears, but happy tears.... You have no idea how important it is to be able to express your fears, and your anger, and your frustrations to people who understand.... it makes you feel not so alone. I am so happy that Hip Chicks is a place for people to be able to do that and to get the support they need and to make a few new friendships :) To all my Hip Chicks coming up on their surgeries, keep smiling... stay strong.... you'll be on the "other side" soon..... and to all my chicks recovering... keep up the GREAT work!! I am so proud of you all and thanks for being my inspiration. I love you guys!! xoxo